afterparty at jimmy's!

Daily horoscope

2009-11-04T02:38:19Z

"You feel like taking it easy today so head out for lunch with some friends and roll back into work in due time. You've scarfed back your fair share of stale sandwiches desk-side and deserve some extra time off. It's all about balance right now and you're not about to let anything ruin the perfect calibration you've achieved."

Bullshit science, but I can't help but read it whenever I have time to kill. (Not like balance is present in any aspect of my life right now anyhow.)

Birthdays

2009-05-30T14:43:01Z

My sister turns eighteen in a few hours.

It’s strange, really. As it is to most people who have younger siblings, she’ll always seem much younger - in my mindset, she is forever an eight year old. Perhaps it’s because that was the year we fought the most; maybe it’s the roundness of her features that remind me of the intertwining circles that make up the number. I find myself looking at her these days and heaving giant sighs, at which she turns around and asks me what the matter is.

“Nothing,” I say. “You just really, really don’t look your age, that’s all.” Usually this remark is delivered while she’s rifling through her closet in preparation for yet another tennis lesson; we’re complete opposites in terms of sport. I’d be perched on her desk chair, deciding what to have for breakfast after she leaves. (Eating is so much more enjoyable when I’m alone.) A withering look is thrown in my direction before she goes back to looking for her shorts. It’s not like I was being cruel. As her face was turned toward her personal sartorial hurricane, she couldn’t see how wistful I looked earlier. Chin cradled in palm and all that.

One might think of this as uncharacteristically motherly of me, but in truth that isn’t the case at all. I’m glad for G to grow up - or in her case, be forced to come to a sudden realization that she no longer has a built-in excuse to be a mute around the opposite sex or refuse that glass of wine at dinner. It’s always been fairly frustrating for me that we have almost nothing in common, aside from the nose we both unfortunately got from our father. She is the perfect shade of cafe au lait and built like a swimmer; lean. I look more like a string of spaghetti, slight and softer past the edges. But the nose: there is no denying we are related once you put us side by side.

I’m only wistful because that means I have to grow up, too. Of course. That’s always the case.

dolle @ 2009-04-04T01:10:00

2009-04-04T05:21:14Z

Just watched Adventureland. A coming-of-age story from the same guy who directed Superbad - obviously many jokes made on inappropriate bodily functions were made - but I definitely appreciated the romance more than the comedy. Weird, but I can't help the effect warm weather has on me. Even when that "April showers bring May flowers" saying can't be more true. I don't get all the KStew hate; she's the perfect juxtaposition of awkward and sexy.

I watch too many films.

Lady sings the blues

2009-03-03T01:21:23Z

- The jazz scene from the forties is a difficult ocean to navigate, but Billie Holiday is an ideal anchor. Sure, she started off as a hooker, but her first performance was an accident that moved her audience to tears. Unsurprising, considering how that voice induces more emotion than all of this year's Oscars nominees combined. She makes me want to replace all my lamps with candles, my speakers with an old record player and my ponytail with a beehive. Give me I'll Be Seeing You over Idiot Swift's Teardrops On My Guitar any day. Definitely on the less likely end of my musical spectrum but I'm a girl of multidimensional taste.

- The sun set only two hours ago. Spring is undoubtedly on its way but he (or she) is sure taking his (or her) sweet time. The fact that I choose to include this on my list of observations during the coldest week of this winter says a lot about my anticipation. (The fact that New York had a snow day is still boggling my mind.) I've always enjoyed this translation. The first sighting of goose-pimpled limbs, the colour explosion at Zara's latest window display, even the rain. It's been awhile since I've had a good thunderstorm. It's unlikely that I'd get to see the east coast thaw though; I'm off to California in a few weeks. Shame.

- A friend mentioned to me today how my virtual presence basically says nothing about who I am, where I am, or what I do. Or even what I look like, seeing as how all the pictures I provide are profilic or obscured by my glasses. I suppose she's right in the terms of those social networking sites. (Being private? On Facebook?! Yes, really.) She's one of those friends who I can't quite guess how much she knows about me, so I don't know how accurate she is from her perspective. Everything I don't tell her she ends up finding out anyway. Now that I think about it, it may be one of her major talents.

Problematic girls

2008-12-09T16:24:10Z

Been

- rediscovering the greatness that is Bloc Party. I have This Modern Love on repeat; it just so perfectly sums up a) what the definition of love is in our generation, b) how it's changed and c) makes it a little less cynical, despite how steep the hill romance is rolling down. Yeah, it's that time of the year - of course some sort of "Singleton"-style whining is bound to commence. I'm kind of tired of screwing around and barely getting anything out of it. Feel free to give out my number.

- eating a lot of canned corn. It's pretty disgusting. Why am I not taking advantage of my culinary situation now that I have someone to cook for me?

- and fruit. Oranges are the ultimate hangover cure - at least, in my case.

- obviously going out way too much. Now that my week officially starts on a Wednesday (Monday and Tuesday nights are weekends now) I find that time is going by a whole lot faster. I'm still taking things relatively easy since the disaster that was October/November, but it's my birthday on Thursday. If I didn't owe it to myself to have a little blackout-inducing fun, I owe it to my friends for being such a miserable hack.

- really excited to do one of those 'end of the year' surveys. I've been itching to post one for weeks now but it's still technically the beginning of December; a lot can happen in three weeks. Who knows?

- wearing the same patent leather ankle boots everyday. In the wrong light I look vaguely prostitute-like but since we're all whoring ourselves for the post-finals occasion, might as well make it obvious. I finished a whole two weeks earlier than most people and I am BORED.

one

2008-11-10T00:21:52Z

Truth to be told, living alone kind of freaks me out.

I wouldn't say the neighborhood I live in is dodgy at all. I'm two blocks from Bay and Bloor, rarely would I cut through any back alleys, there are plenty of lights illuminating the sidewalks for the five-minute trek from my ex-roommate's - which is the only place I'd be returning from after midnight on foot. But it's more so coming home to practically nothing part. I don't really collect a lot of junk, so the only mess would be clothing. (About half my closet's strewn all over the floor atm.) The lack of junk results in a lack of furniture. And despite being a studio apartment, it's probably a little too big for just me. It's funny how nothingness can be louder than anything else; that area between my dresser and desk is deafening in reminding me that hey, I'm alone.

I have to have everything on when I get in. I hate bright lighting, so I use floor lights instead of relying on ceiling lights. Within the first thirty seconds of coming through my door I dart to every corner, tugging at each lamp furiously until the bulb turns on. I reach for my TV remote and hit the power and mute button in succession. Without the set on, I get so paranoid that I could barely hear the music that I obviously have on full blast. My laptop takes awhile to start, but by the time this ritual is done it's usually ready.

Thank you, electricity, for keeping me company - and sane. Thank God my rent cheque includes all that.

for future reference

2008-10-22T23:29:27Z

"Coffee makes me feel like my heart is trying to hug my brain."

la cocaina is not good for you

2008-10-21T13:14:02Z

A recalling of last night's adventures in slumber - wish I could remember more but I suppose that's the beauty of dreaming.

My entire grade back in high school were on some sort of high-school sponsored excursion. Not really a group I like associating myself with - most of them are blubbering idiots far from ready from the real world. I love going on Facebook and laughing at the pictures of their dorm rooms and posing with various bottles of Absolut and candy-flavoured cigarettes. The excursion was to this Chinese museum of cars and boats, of both ancient and futuristic age. I guess this makes sense seeing as how they're the two methods of transport that immediately comes to mind when I think of that place. Pollution and crowded piers.

Everyone was high for some reason, except me and my friends. I'm always either the loudest of the inebriated or most exasperated of the sober. (Another example of which my life is habitually peppered with extremes.) An ex came up to me and said hello, which was funny considering how I ended it. A year ago I would've told him to fuck right off, but I said hi back and accepted his nonsensical blabber about "taking care of myself". He was the one who made me quit smoking for a whole month. Maybe he still has those chocolate scented cigarettes that discontinued right after we broke up. Ahh if only.

We all get on the lift to leave, when suddenly I feel someone grope my waist and give me a rose. I turn around and it was the rebound guy/ex's friend (come on, this was high school) quite literally sparkling. Glitter in his hair, shimmer on his cheeks; his pupils were the colour of my first pair of imitation pearls. Ugly as all-hell. I took it as a sign that he was off his face and told him to go away. He went crazy, kicking and screaming until a my old geography teacher came over and "restrained" him. It's funny because I've actually seen him pull his stunt in real life, only instead of going apeshit he started doing push-ups on the dirty cement sidewalk.

As it always is when situations get stupid I go downstairs for a cigarette. I go back upstairs after the calmest 5 minutes of this dream and see rebound guy trying to eat a car. I wake up.

Honestly, I wonder what all this means.

dolle @ 2008-07-20T10:11:00

2008-07-20T02:16:21Z

Work is exhausting.

Nighttime thrills, part II

2008-06-08T04:38:37Z

I wish I could say this summer's been all cigarettes and chocolate milk, but the sad reality is I've been tearing myself apart every night and preciously sticking the pieces back together every morning for work. The cycle continues. It's been four weeks and counting.

So definitely cigarettes, but no chocolate milk. Not even close.

Musings

2008-04-27T02:24:42Z

A fistful of lettuce leaves, some Japanese sesame dressing, and a very large coffee mug of espresso. (Not really espresso then, is it? It's only the real thing if it's served in those dainty little white cups, I think.) Blueberry gum. If I'm really lucky, an orange. That's all I've been living on. Disgusting, really. But grocery shopping is such a pain in the ass.

I just realised that all the fashion blogs I read have a couple things in common. They're all relatively skinny, leggy girls with a penchant for Doc Martens, that F21 leather jacket, white or grey AA t-shirts and high waisted skirts. They all worship Erin Wasson as a common deity. Then why do I have at least five of them bookmarked, and why do I refresh them so incessantly when I'm supposed to be studying for finals?

Michelle Branch is really fun to sing along to when you're cleaning out the apartment.

Le fin.

We are nowhere and it's now

2008-04-25T04:58:18Z

(Bleak white walls and a bed with rumpled sheets.)

I hate listening to songs I can relate to.

Sweet but subtle

2008-04-20T02:39:17Z

Been walking around outside way too much lately, accompanied by my two pseudo-straight guy friends. Their metabolisms are insane. We'd walk to one place for lunch, hang around for an hour then walk somewhere else for an early dinner. It's been a nonstop hunt for restaurants that stay open past 10pm for nighttime snacking. Our shadows haunt the sidewalks and our legs look way too skinny.

A week of breezy summer evenings; something I'd never experienced before. I'm so used to pushing my glasses back upwards because the sweat would made them slip. I toss the bottle of root beer in the nearest garbage can. The rattling of the glass against plastic drowns out the flip-flopping of my sandals as I walk on home.

Good morning

2008-04-16T15:27:47Z

My life in a nutshell

Fleurette

2008-04-15T04:47:52Z

Still listening to Billie Holiday, wearing that silk scarf with a tattered men's undershirt and drinking too much instant coffee.

I used to be a night owl. Up all night, sleeping all day, the works. It was wonderfully lazy yet did wonders for my academic career - I focus much better when there's no light, no distraction pouring through my windows. It did something to my moods. I felt strangely sultry, more introverted. Something about how while I was wide awake while everyone else were asleep like children, maybe.

But I don't care for that life anymore. Not being lazy; I'd probably be that for as long as I live. But something about April makes me feel wholesome. I miss being around people. I've been daydreaming about picnics, learning the guitar, wearing little floral sundresses. Something about spring makes me feel bothered about being alone.

And in a couple weeks, I'd be whining about what long hot nights are doing to my psyche. If spring makes me dream about picnics, folk songs and sundresses, July would probably bring about ice cold beers sipped through straws, the pungent scent of coconut and sweat and being backed up against concrete walls by strangers.

The inevitable

2008-04-09T03:00:13Z

"Here's the first thing you need to know about the current state of your destiny: "Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night." That message comes to you from poet Rainer Maria Rilke. Here's the second piece of wisdom you should take with you everywhere you go. It's from Vladimir Nabokov: "For aren't you and I gods? Let all of life be an unfettered howl. Release life's rapture. Everything is blooming. Everything is flying. Everything is screaming. Laughter. Running.""

I wonder what this means, and why it has to come along during this time of the year. Spring spring spring. The sun's in full force now, having said a tentative hello in mid-March. The rising of temperatures is equally unabashed. Why must this city remind me so much of home towards the end? It just makes me this more excited.

Saturday morning

2008-03-22T16:32:42Z

For future reference:

As hypocritical as this makes me sound, I really, really hate hearing about other people's personal problems. Not sweet, juicy ones that have to do with hot infidelity, nether regions that don't work properly, or random hair pulling of friends; more so dilemmas that have to do with debt, a preference to drink alone for unfathomable reasons or whining about family or ex girl/boyfriends. I try to provide you with problems that would entertain you, so please return the favour. I'm awful at consoling people, anyhow - plus if the subject in question is someone I have more-than-platonic interest in, you can guarantee me fucking off. How obvious I'll make it, I can't say.

Sunglasses in the winter is, contrary to popular belief, possible. And extremely useful, to boot.

My favourite colour is a dark peacock blue-green. It really is impossible for me to like just one particular colour, so I prefer a mesh of something dark and rich. I hate birds in general - defecating in mid-air + gravity, annoying squawking, that scary reddish tinge to their pupils - but peacocks are a bit of an exception, from far away anyway.

Wafer biscuits are fun to eat. Eschewing the layers one by one with your tongue and teeth is a fun game to play while listening to your guy friends pound their keys away in a frenzy. Not the good kind of pounding (and keys), mind.

Excess amount of sleep is so overrated, and defeats the purpose: you end up waking up tired. How wrong is that?

Home in five weekends and I'm not really kinda sorta that excited.

dolle @ 2008-03-18T08:29:00

2008-03-18T12:29:48Z

I seriously wonder how many people I know IRL read this thing.

Felis silvestris catus

2008-03-18T06:39:28Z

Following my overdose on dorkdom I've been feeling a bit lazy and catlike lately. Lounging on bed all day (and night), not bothering to get dressed, listening to Billie Holiday, that kind of thing. Even when I'm awake, half the time my eyes are closed. I find that I appreciate my other senses more. Textures, sound, scent. It's the kind of mood that a cold rainy night would be perfect company for.

Normally when spring approaches the calendar I split myself into way too many pieces - spring cleaning, clothes shopping, generally basking in the sunshine that's been absent for too many weeks. But this year all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and yank my curtains shut whenever the first ray of light floods my room. (Clearly I've been spending too much time awake in the wee hours.) Indulging in sweet and greasy fixes, sipping foamy malty concoctions. It's like my mindset's stuck in the depths of winter.

Good thing I'll be going home in a month and a bit, then.

Lost arts

2008-02-28T11:22:44Z

So February's coming to an end, and the only fashion shows left on the agenda that actually matter in the business are Chanel and Chloé. In my opinion, anyway. Pure aesthetic, no sensationalism. I'm looking at you, Johnny G. Galliano, that is.

Am I the only one who's disappointed? The only ones who impressed me are the (relative) new kids on the block - Proenza Schouler, Viktor & Rolf. The inevitable has dawned on us, I think: the classics have graduated to boredom.

Sins of saints

2008-02-14T23:56:58Z

A surprisingly (or unsurprisingly?) uneventful Valentine's Day.

The only remainders I've had are as follows:

A determined looking Korean gentleman hurrying down the sidewalks to the subway station, rose in hand. Quite a feat if you consider the amount of slush and half-frozen puddles on the streets. He definitely wouldn't be out of place in scene #28743 of Typical Romantic Comedy (i.e. when the ugly best friend races to the church to stop the heroine from marrying an Adonis with ulterior motives).

A boring looking blonde in an ill-fitting trench coat, juggling a bunch of textbooks with a bouquet. It had baby's breath in it. Probably a secret admirer with no taste or a clueless boyfriend. She didn't look very happy - well, neither would I.

A few messages on Facebook and various chat applications wishing me a happy hallmark holiday.

A fraction of those messages contained panicked questions of 'what should I do / wear / write?' I always said bake cute little pink cupcakes, something from La Senza, and bad poetry. That's all anyone looks for when expecting something for V-day anyway.

A paper heart on the floor of my elevator. Really. Dirty with snow, slush and footsteps. The quintessential image of a spinster on Valentine's.

Luckily it's also a friend's birthday, so I have an excuse to dress up and go out. For good Japanese and not much else, but still.

Salty air

2008-01-30T22:19:19Z

Lately I've been watching a lot of movies. I've never had the attention span to park my behind down and stare at a screen for the better slice of two hours, but I can literally hear howling through my window. That's the wind, not something with a tail. And I'm not about to brave the elements when I have a choice.

It's getting to be February. I'm crossing the days off in my calendar way too quickly. A part of me is glad; that means April would approach this much faster and I'd be home. Home means spending one half of the day in an office with slender editrixes and the other half pouring champagne down my top in overhyped blacklight-lit basements. So simple yet complex in nature. It's amazing how much I have to say about such a stupidly simple life, judging from this journal et cetera. But aren't we all? I think it's the first time I'm looking forward to working during a summer.

In other news, I'm finding joy in domestication. That means aprons and making dinner my responsibility, not sharing a bed and building blocks with children. Boredom is good in the way it makes you experiment with activities outside your box, but I don't expect it to escalade.

Disenchanted

2008-01-24T13:56:00Z

Lately I've been thinking about disappointments.

There are many aspects to one's personality. Too many. So many that it's impossible to get to know them all - or to know them all and still want to sustain your link to that person. How well do we actually know the people we have coffee with, get drunk with, have sex with, share our dreams and aspirations with? It's enough to make me want to shut myself in my bedroom and quit any interaction with people forever.

Why can't we just keep to ourselves when we fall apart?

Right now

2008-01-11T21:16:37Z

I don't think I'm weak, necessarily. I just dislike being stuck in situations I'm uncomfortable in and I'm willing to do something about it. So why not?

Nighttime thrills

2007-12-27T19:28:31Z

It's somewhat refreshing to come home after a night of smoke and mirrors sober. I think more. I feel less, but that's okay.

Like remembering what it was like to take the good city life for granted. Sweat and coconut oil on my skin. I'd been living in a permanent winter since August; so this is what it's like to squint my eyes in the sunlight. Being childish and carefree: those two things that go together so well like vodka and tonic. To not have my heart go a million beats a minute. To slow down.

Like remembering the air that blew softly onto my neck whenever I lean back in the taxi seat, reminding me of what intimacy with somebody else is like. Oxygen escaping from a hole made in the fabric. A sensation displaced so far back in my head that I almost couldn't put my finger on it. Almost.